Welcome to Maggie’s World!
Usually it’s someone else’s world, but they just “got SNL” and have cancelled all other engagements for the foreseeable future.
Hello, dear readers, and welcome back to Maggie’s World! The only newsletter produced in my apartment until my roommates finally break down to “set the record straight about Maggie’s personality”— whatever that means!
So, what happened this week?
Why nothing less than the run-up to one of the most anticipated holidays of the year!
It’s that time of year again to don1 your costumes and start saying the one joke you have prepared to make about it. Easier said than done? That’s where Maggie’s World comes in clutch, in my new segment “Last Minute” where I help you put together something amazing just in the nick of time.
Last Minute: Halloween Costume Guide
A great Halloween costume must be three things: funny, sexy, and topical. No one understands the intersection of those things better than the twenty-two year old author of an email newsletter read by no one. If you’re in a pinch, here are my picks for great Halloween costumes you can pull together at the last moment.
Sexy Bobby Hill
We’ve all heard of King of the Hill and it’s iconic cast of characters, but none screams “be me for Halloween” more than young Bobby Hill himself. All that’s needed for this costume are dark green gym shorts, a blue shirt, tall white socks, and black converse sneakers. Shout stuff all night like, “I don’t know you! That’s my purse!” and kick people in the balls. The sexy element of this outfit is going to have rely heavily on you being hot to begin with or emanating a sort of powerful charisma. Extra points for a bald cap or freshly buzzed head!
Sexy Spooky Person with Good Makeup
This is a tried and true classic. Just wear something black and get better at doing makeup. It’s crazy that I even have to put this one in writing, but some people just need the reminder that it’s an option. Some people will think it’s hot. Some people will think, “Who is that little freak?” Both types of people are valid. Extra points for an over-the-top accessory designed for children from Claire’s or Spirit Halloween.
Mountain Climber!
Get ready to break out your winter clothes for this seasonally inappropriate SERVE. Imagine this: snow pants + winter coat + push-up bra + helmet in case you fall off the mountain. Okay, so, in the writing of this, I wish I knew a bit more about mountain climbing. Bonus points for carrying a map and talking about the air feeling “kind of thin.”
Person Who Was Just Crying
You can wear whatever you want for this, just put on a ton of eye makeup and then cry until it’s smudged. You could also use water or makeup remover to create this effect, but honestly I think you should let yourself decompress some of that anxiety you’re holding inside you. This costume’s really versatile and can be as sexy or modest as you’d like, built with pieces from your own closet. When people come up and ask what your costume is, just start crying again. A costume they shan’t soon forget!
Rodrick from Diary of A Wimpy Kid
I saw a TikTok of a hot person dressed as Rodrick and I realized that it is literally the easiest sexy costume in the world. All you need is a white t-shirt, a fabric pen for the “Loded Diper” logo, black skinny jeans, and black eyeliner. This costume is not only hot and funny but also topical because Diary of Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules came out in 2011, and that is recent enough. By the same logic, you could be Paul Ryan lying about his marathon time. Damn, that’s a good one, but it didn’t make the list!
Cardboard Robot
Don’t want to take out the recycling? Have basic crafting supplies, no shame, and 5 hours? This idea is unmatched. Bonus points if you get rained on while on your way to the party, the costume falls apart, and you carry the wet cardboard home because you don’t feel like you can throw it away. See perfect execution of this idea below. (Pictured: Maggie of Maggie’s World and Christian)
Perfect Impression of Your Roommate (Who is Not Present for Comparison)
Go into your roommate’s room before they get home from work and steal their clothes. Wear them to the party and say some of their iconic lines like, “Maggie, did you go into my room without asking again?” or “Living with you is hell.” This costume is great because, if your roommate doesn’t go to the same parties as you, you are automatically doing a perfect impression of them and everyone will just have to take your word for it. Just tell people that your roommate is on their way or in the bathroom. Wherever they are, the implication is that they are dressed as you also. This whole affair will make you appear very likable and easy to live with. Bonus points if your costume and impression ruin your relationship with that person!
That’s the list. Don’t say you didn’t have any good ideas for Halloween this year!
But what have I been up to?
I got a part-time job and I’ve been doing stand up!
My new job as a box office assistant and usher at a comedy theater in Chelsea hasn’t begun yet, but it promises to be something very interesting indeed. I say this, mostly, to soothe the anxieties of the many people that read this newsletter because they “worry about me.”
I think that ultimately it’s good that I now have a part-time job that takes place at night because I needed to create natural boundaries to prevent me from “putting myself out there” as much as I have been. Edie assures me this is very necessary.
At first, I hated doing stand up. I am so used to improv, where a teammate might save you from floundering in awkward moment. The isolation of stand up felt intimidating, the failure felt personal, and the combination felt toxic.
In high quantities, however, you can completely ignore that part of it. Sometimes, you even do okay and you’re like, “Okay, I’ll live another few hours!” You don’t have to pin your self-esteem to one moment or one set, you can pin your self-esteem to how voluminous your hair is or how fast you can run or the opinions of people who don’t give a shit about you. Just like in olden times!
Living in New York is still making me happy, even when I’m sad. I don’t feel community-less, like I feared that I would. For your viewing pleasure, I’ve attached a few political cartoons about life in New York.
When I was making these cartoons, I thought, “Okay, these speak volumes!” I am no longer exactly sure that they do. I suppose that’s part of the fun of political cartoons. If you work at the New Yorker, please email me.
In closing,
That’s all for this issue of Maggie’s World! As always, thank you for reading and, if you haven’t yet, I hope you’ll subscribe. Also, please spread the good news about Maggie’s World (that it exists and is unmissable).
You may have already known that “don” is an antiquated way to say “put on,” but did you know it has a counterpart “doff” which means “take off”? Are you mad that there wasn’t a joke in this footnote?